A note to thank you.

Dear mother,

There’s none other like you. And it’s really cool that for nine months, you carried me inside you. Like an innocent fool I came into the world and you taught me what school couldn’t. That respect is earned not demanded. Am always reminded of your humility and agility. And that to succeed I have to maintain my authenticity.

Mum, you’re beautiful. Your eyes sparkle like the sunray’s reflection on water. I am honoured to be your daughter. Your affection is priceless. You always love regardless. You are the provider of wise counsel. You are the divider of food in the house. You are the arbitrator when people disagree. You are as strong as a rock.

You are inspirational. When I am irrational, you always provide the voice of reason. Of all seasons, you work hard. Your laugh is infectious. Your heart is golden. Even in olden age, you still exude youthfulness. Your generosity exceeds the ordinary. Your simplicity is to reckon. You give extra attention. You are selfless.

When restless, you told me to practice patience. Thus haste or hate don’t exist in your dictionary. You have the power over the world. Despite your humble itinerary, wherever you go, you command attention without asking. The air around you always feels ample & safe. It’s like an angel surrounds you. Even though I didn’t get to know Dad well, i know that’s why he adored you. He still does. You’re cool peeps ma.

And for all these things & more, thank you.

5 reasons why soccer is like your woman.

Is he less of a man because he doesn’t dig football? Well, as opposed to popular and ignorant theory, the answer is no. A man shouldn’t only be judged by the kind of team he supports but also, the kind of stuff he’s made of. Ultimately, he’s fake if he’s the biggest football fan but still a douche bag.

In the world of sports however, the masculinity of a man has been overly associated with soccer. Take for example the manly record-breaking Usain Bolt. He’s tall, strong, rich and complete with a signature move—on and off the tracks. His articulation is tight, no such lines like ‘kung’arisha fiatu’. But you’ll still find that Messi—a man of extraordinary goals yet endowed with just an ordinary stature and the occasional messy demeanour of most footballers is held up in higher esteem internationally. Ca veux dire–a man’s love for football is blind. Only a woman can come close to taking [its] place and most times second is her best position.

Just like scores of women; I hate soccer. I am not too sure whether it’s because 90 minutes is too long for me to keep staring at non-shirtless men running haphazardly across a field in the name of trying to attain a goal or that I am in envy of how like a demon, the game possesses a man (Heck, I want to possess a man like that). It’s the moment when he hears or sees no evil i.e everything and anything that’s not related to football. Quick tip ladies; this is the best time to drop any pending bomb shells because he won’t hear you. And when he brings it up in the future, you’ll just claim to have already told him anyway. When you think about it critically, there actually isn’t a single definitive thing for women equivalent to what football is to men.

While at my friends (all boys) house, recently, the usual chitchats that encompass the ‘just chilling’ mode were unceremoniously cut as soon as a football match came on-screen. ‘Now shut up!’ I was directed. I couldn’t beat three men so I decided to join in. I could only see Drogba’s annoyingly glossy hair. Shouldn’t he also be endorsing Hairglo? So I resorted to reading my book which also proved difficult to follow; as after every six minutes or so, the boys kept cheering and shrieking at the game’s highlights. Even more disturbing was that the sounds they made resounded like those emitted while having sex. ‘Uhhhhh, ahhhh… Nooooooooo! YES, YES!’

Could it be that to a man, football is like a ‘good’ woman—irreplaceable, and it’s highs and lows almost similar to those of sex?

On one boring Friday afternoon in the office I decided to spice things up by ambushing the guys around me with a quick kinky Q&A. Out of fifteen, nine guys revealed to Black Roses that if they had to choose between the other, they would actually prefer to watch football over being with a woman, sexually or otherwise. That was a shocker! I would rather plough a farm (no pun intended) other than watch a football match. But then again I am just a woman who happens to love bits of farm life. Provided all underlying factors remain constant, these comparisons still rely on the fame and skill of the playing team and the X-Factor of the woman a man rolls with.

From the gentlemen, I collected these 5 fascinating similarities between football and women:

1.Best choice

Like panties, general football enthusiasts drop their support for teams depending on how they are faring on in the current season. Similarly bachelors, and well, George Clooney, have the vagabond freedom of rolling with various women depending on who best suits them and when. A die-hard Gor Mahia (or any other team) fan is like a married man/one in a relationship. He already settled with his best choice. This man is down for his woman whether she strips or trips. Same way win or lose, no real fan turns his back on his team.

2. Time (A minimum of 90 minutes)

You need to set time aside for football. The game usually extends past 100 minutes, so patience, a cozy seat, maybe a beer or two at hand and crossing fingers is always a great prerequisite. You already heard that if it’s not a quickie no woman wants a ‘one minute man’, during a date or in bed. Patience, a cozy environment, wine or something smooth will make good accompaniments. 90 minutes should be good enough but if you opt for extra time, dude why not?

3. Satisfaction

A bad match (your team of preference losing) leaves you with a bad taste and a foul mood. It’s the same when a date, meet up or sex goes bad. On the flip side, your team kicking ass and some good loving from the mamacita will leave you celebrating for a long time, if not feeling brand new!

4. Show off & bets

Men will always be boys. You don’t like how a friend keeps bragging about his winning team. So the two of you took it to the next level–daring bets. Money is cheap and lazy, now bets range from kissing the sole of your shoe to walking down Koinange street on a Friday night only dressed in boxer shorts. It’s the same case scenario when guys spot a fly honey. If she’s yours, you are proud so you brag about her. If she isn’t’ yours, then the chase and the bets start rolling.

5. Concentration.                                              

The replay of the pass, foul or goal doesn’t feel as electric from recycled tweets, print stories, word of mouth or even YouTube; to feel the magic of soccer, you must have seen it yourself, and in real-time. It’s the same way when it comes to stories and theories on women. Until you realize that it’s high time you focused on getting to know one, you’ll never really feel her magic.

Many women also watch soccer. While at my house, Wanjeri once jumped so high in celebration of a goal, she broke our chandelier. My sister then gave her a fine of washing our cat for a month. The cat ran off a few days later, even before the much-anticipated first wash. What am trying to say is; damn ungrateful cat! And that someone’s love for football can make chandeliers break, Twitter freeze and some people like me, even the more disinterested. But the fact remains that human beings will continue to have opposing preferences at their pleasure. The faster we all come to terms with this, the easier it will be for us all to co-habit respectfully and non- judgmentally, for football and women are the best at the feet of world’s offerings.

Why a black man is like chocolate.

Tall, dark and handsome or short, stout and perky, but still dark–whichever form of African they come in, men are like chocolate. Seemingly hard but malleable, sometimes messy, sticky, sweet and rich or not. In many ways both dark chocolate and black men are quite similar.

Heat melts chocolate. Similarly, any man will practically melt if and when heated up the right way by a lady (preferably a hot one). Various research findings including one done by BBC have cited a sizeable reduction of stress levels following the activity of melting chocolate in the mouth. It’s said that that even beats kissing at reducing stress levels! Good thing, those who don’t fancy chocolate like me can still indulge and benefit from frogs-to-princes induced activities.

A look at plain chocolate or a plain man can either evoke love or dislike (hate is a strong word for skin-choc lovers). Like mud is a naked bar–basic and unattractive. But off the paper and into biting, chances of stumbling upon all types of life’s goodness from wine, nuts, fruits, to any thinkable sweet thing that might fit in, are very high. A man’s nudity, heart, strength or all might turn him into a striking god, a transformation from a dressed-down dull, null and void creature. In summary, to discover what a man/chocolate is made of, you simply have to trust, taste, nibble, and then delve in.

That’s reason why ‘the world’ has blindly ostracized the dark skin of African countries like Sudan as charcoal-ish while brandished that of successful Africans who have become world stars like Mr. Kimora, formerly Djimon Hounsou as a show of light in Hollywood, Nollywood and even classics like ‘Boyz in Da Hood’. Remember the time when youthful/ non-shirtless Cuba Gooding Jr. and Morris Chestnut were synonymous to unopened attractive chocolate covers? Sigh.

I don’t like the non-human version of chocolate so I don’t have the moral/ gastronomical authority of writing on chocolate addiction. However, I have heard of theories and testimonials on how black men can be as addictive as chocolate. White princess Coco reaffirmed the famous quote while speaking on her black ghetto prince Ice-T, “Once you go black, you never go back.”

Most African eyes are veiled and can’t see past the black-fuss. Why should they? Everything in Africa is practically dark anyway, from the streets, people’s deeds, soil and of course the men and women. Black skin however still remains a phenomenon abroad and especially in Europe. Thanks to that, we still have racism and looming sickness in the 21^st century. The latter prompting white women mostly tourists to flood Africa in search of curing the dreaded and deadly ‘jungle fever’ disease, as theorized by my sidekick Chim.

‘Jungle fever’ is a curable ailment that only affects white-skinned women, most times leaving them restless, horny and in need of dark African men (the ones in torn-tattered washed out pants, never-washed Converse and unkempt dreads are usually tastier like extra toppings on the pizza). Black injection in little or large doses is highly recommended, and in all forms.

And true to that prescription–the cured lot usually comprise white women married to black men, or who are with black men parading at African music festivals, weed smoking parties, African traditional ceremonies, crowded markets and slum areas or simply between sheets or somewhere in the streets. This is art, culture and a lifestyle that will never be unraveled, just like the world’s obsession with chocolate.

Chocolate isn’t my thing but when given to me, for pleasure or as a gift; I have no choice but to devour it, a process that takes me days, even weeks to complete. I am glad it takes me just a split second to come up with this thought process. Over a simple conversation while snacking, a friend said to me, ‘Come to think of it, men are like chocolate’. The sound of that statement was sweet enough to make me blog. Did I expound on the topic? I don’t know. But I am certain that it doesn’t matter whether it, she or he is black or white. Just go ahead and enjoy it, and yourself!

4 Guys give 4 tips to making a man right

“Why are you still single?”–The dreadful formulaic question explored all year round but with an emphasis on the period around Valentine’s Day. Who said February is the month of love? It is Black history month. As a matter of fact, love and Black history are two things that should be celebrated all year–blog post for another day.

Back to matters relationships–most often than not the person inquiring on whether you are single will not be asking you out; neither will they be providing you with a solution. They are just prying. And you don’t like it. No one likes questions with the potential of making them have frightful thoughts of dying alone-and-single. Well, I don’t.

While recently window-shopping with a friend, a simple conversation led him to ask me that damning question. And just like I always carry my lip gloss, I never miss that formulated answer, “Haven’t found the right guy”. To my surprise he hit back and said, “You don’t find a right guy, you make a guy right”—and that ladies and gentlemen, forms the basis of this post.

Think about it, a majority of single women’s scapegoat for singlehood is the search or wait for the right guy.  But how many women are in the business of making guys right? We know that most guys are already taken, hardly by zombie invasions but commitments like mpango wa kandos, marriage and bromance if not the gay world. Question left to ask; of the residue of single men out here is there still a right one? As the only princess of your throne, you’ve got a good queue of frogs to kiss but it can get irksome. So just how do you pick a guy?

Simply wanting the right guy is like a hungry person going into a self-service food joint and expecting to be served by a waiter. There is a minimal possibility that you might get served. It’s however common sense that you should serve yourself even though at times such joints miss signs with instructions. That’s the analogy for grasping on a new relationship with a guy (who might still not be right). Taking the risk is like carrying your own tray of food at the restaurant. If you are hungry, take it. If you drop it, your fault. If you reach your table and have a satisfactory meal, your win.

I figure mid-twenties are almost identical to the vagabond loveless years of early twenties. However they are also times when you can’t keep walking around town hungry looking for a five-course meal while you can grab yourself a quick hotdog that will make you BOP (burp out loud–just invented that acronym) and smile at the dog’s unexpected satisfaction–we are still drifting on the analogy and some additional pun here.

I tasked four of my friends, all male–to provide black roses with pointers on how to make a guy right. All names have been changed to my four male fantasies, cool ey? Before we get into steps to making a guy right; what defines the so-called right guy? Most guys cited that there isn’t really ‘a right guy’ other than the imperfect one who you find to share with even the slightest of compatibility. So here goes (could apply to making her right too):

1. A little acceptance goes a long way

Legit rock stars never convert into country music or anything resembling such opposites. By the same virtue–football, toys and cars will occasionally take precedence over you. If you can comprehend that what a man loves is what he loves, then you wouldn’t keep fighting with Thierry Henry for attention. Same way your man would never complain that you spend too much time gossiping with your girls. Both men and women need some kind of therapy.

“Accepting someone’s inherent flaws and still living with them is love”, said Blair Underwood.

2. Seduction & competence

There must have been a reason why Powerpuff-girls-city of Townsville elected their Mayor for the position. That’s despite the fact that he hardly ever does anything. Well other than calling on his gorgeous and proficient assistant, Miss Bellum. Even without a head (Yes), she is sexy and always gets ahead in practically doing everything for the Mayor. Your man is the mayor. Be the alluring Bellum and don’t forget competency while you are at it. You will love the results.

“A woman has the biggest role in making a man. Women have so much power, if only they knew,” said Terrence Howard.

3. Trust & Play then Pray.

Trust & Play does sound like a condom ad right? On that note good sex will make him stick right on you if not by you. And what is good sex?—blog post for another day. Let’s just say that confidence, humour and the mind should be the underlying factors. A man needs affirmation via your trust. Stop snooping his twitter and text messages, get a life or take a hike. Even better give him space. If you do, even when you are away, on the hike–he will behave When he does wrong scold him like a high pedigree dog, not a mongrel. If he does right, reward him. At the end of it all—pray. God does listen + most men would use a spiritual woman.

“We are not stupid, so don’t tell us this is a gift—just do stuff, we will figure out everything else ourselves,” said Michael Ealy.

4. Respect

It should be treated like a game of boomerang. A man who respects his mother and sisters will probably respect you too and need your respect right back. Money and other worldly possessions will never buy respect so the pilgrimage to the ‘right man’ status starts from the moment you make him understand that he must earn it. In addition respect goes far beyond how to treat a person or a subject matter. It’s how you regard their property, what they treasure, friends, favourite things etc.

“A man who respects you will appreciate your lifestyle, that’s what a woman needs”, posed Biko Adema.

*Parting shot*

Valentine’s Day-event organizers will pop up on a yearly basis running around town helter-skelter trying to make you pity your single self. Even much longer will the damning ‘Why are you still single?’ question persist. If you wish to resist you now have some tips. If you will have found a guy (or a lady) for yourself, celebrate love all year round and let’s hope that they will ‘treat you right’—my new found definition of the right partner

Special thanks to my friends & voices behind Adema, Terrence, Blair & Michael.

2011 goodness

An awesome year it was so I decided to segregate my highlights into the things I adore most; living, loving and writing.

Living

I obviously lived to see this day, so thank you God. I also thank family, friends and Grapevine fans for the support. In 2011 i met a brilliant Kerugoya kido, sigh. Read on him right here the-12-year-old-kerugoya-boy-%E2%80%A6

Hiking trip to Hell’s gate national park was adventurous. Riding a bike through the rough 8km terrain is no walk through an ordinary park. I fell off the bike a couple of times, some people tried to convince me to give up. I didn’t, and eventually made it to the gorge ready for another damning walk. It felt like life’s journey. People will discourage you but if you are tough, you should make it through. Speaking of which reading Lance Armstrong’s book titled ‘My Journey back To Life’- It’s not about the bike, redefined my understanding of self determination.

I also got my first modeling gig with True Love in their October issue fashion spread. The shoot dubbed ‘Spring date’ was a colourful impression in celebration of True Love’s 7th anniversary. Will post a picture or two as soon as I get them from super photographer Emmanuel Jambo. Thank you Sunny for everything. 

As for the reason why i write, it soothes me but THIS made my year —> blog-posts-that-speak-to-me-a-womans-prayer Stella, Black Roses is honoured to have been of inspiration.

Loving

Grapevine was really a fun ride, it was my second year at hosting and reporting at the show. We got a nomination for Kenya’s best entertainment show by Kalasha awards. Through the year, I conducted crazy interviews including EVE, Cecile and Elaine. And also the prestigious lead writer/ and executive producer of the Bold and The Beautiful, Richard Bradley Bell, bliss.

I grew up loving oldskul music, especially R&B. So when I got the chance to have a one-on-one with international R&B singer Donell Jones, I just felt like it was God send. It wasn’t an omg-donell-remove-your-pants moment (that was Fally Ipupa who i also got to interview). With Donell it was more like, God bless you for still holding it down for so gone is Montell Jordan, Case and most 90’s music groups. Read here the story I filed for UP Mag 505-a-toast-and-a-dance-donell-jones-in-nairobi

Music? Discovering Frank Ocean and Jahaziel was by far the best thing my ears and heart experienced in 2011. Thank you Raul and Masha respectively for that. A review on Jahaziel here the-still-livin%E2%80%99-mixtape-jahaziel

Books? ‘Love in the time of cholera’ was a beautiful read, thank you Wanjeri. 10 Quotes from the book here  10-quotes-from-love-in-the-time-of-cholera  I absolutely loved Khaled Hosseini’s ‘Kite Runner’. General best read goes to a feature titled ‘Best time to be alive’ from Intelligent Life magazine. Of all the places, this was my best  best-time-early-childhood

Thanks Octopizzo for introducing me deep into Kibera and Arusha, the slum’s Swahili food café with Ugandan chefs. Nakwambia, the true East- African bashment crew.

Thank you Wamathai for allowing me to host Wamathai december edition, together with Robert. It was a pleasure not peeing in my pants and seeing a successful end to the gig.

As for normal relationships, that didn’t happen. Not to say that I didn’t try sampling some fish off the proverbial ocean. I am still looking for a tall, dark and handsome man, who wears Neyo-fedoras and sings like Bez or Charlie Wilson. See, that’s why I am single

Writing

Arise (A definitive international style magazine on African art and culture) took me in as one of their freelance contributors from E. Africa, thank you Carinya. Here is my debut story for Arise, an interview with Winyo. P.S in my regard Winyo is the best musician from Kenya. Read the story here 101464

Also got a job promotion at Kenyan magazines UP (Urban Perspective) and Kenya Concierge. From a contributor, I became the staff writer at both Yaaay, to me! I felt best at ‘Music behind bars’, God bless you Insect and Natalie for the noble cause. Read on it here 453-freedom-through-sound

In the short time I have been blogging and writing professionally, in terms of hospitality and wisdom; Mzee Elimo and Philda Njau of the Paa Ya Paa art centre are at the top. Follow this link to read on my love affair with Paa Ya Paa how-i-fell-in-love-with-paa-ya-paa

Bonus pix, at Kinanda festival with Kev, Sweetawa, Wanjeri and Nanjira. Reumac took the pix, thank you.

2011 taught me a lot. At the front, how to dust myself, if I don’t succeed or get misunderstood. I look forward to 2012 mostly because I have no choice, how can I look back? I have had visions in the past, I always either surpass them or achieve different ones altogether. So as 2012 takes off, I delve in like a blind bird. No resolutions. I am ready to soar into the unknown.

The lone poodle.

Most poodles from Runda, Ridgeways and such high-end residential areas have custom-made backyards, just to facilitate their need to exercise and run around. When they have to get out of their plush compounds, I am almost as certain as the sun will set that no big dog or monster would eat them. They walk majestically on the smooth terrain of roads, unaware of the meaning of potholes, mud and water puddles. Back in the house, these poodles must probably drink milk for breakfast,  eat biscuits and juice for brunch and then have bacon and steak for dinner.

I spotted a poodle in Harambee estate this morning. She wasn’t ordinary but still just what you would expect. She was miniature, the cutest walking creature and white in colour. Her litu-paws stood out as they constantly missed on the estimated count of how far she needed to jump across the dirty puddle of water. Out of every three jumps, she missed two. She was out-of-place as it was all muddy and no leafs in this suburb. She however seemed to be in her element because none of this stopped her from running wild as if searching for her lost soul. She must have not known that her colour white is a symbol of innocence and purity because she was running aimlessly blind to the dirt.

My sister was the first to see the poodle and she shrieked, “Look at that poodle! It should be in the house!” We were picking her friend who lived around the area where the poodle was. On asking about the poodle’s whereabouts, she said that it had no home and that it spent all its days just larking about.

I have been thinking about that poodle all day. I can’t understand how such a gem, the second most intelligent breed of  a dog could be homeless. It reminds me of a lot of things. I see a street child who should be off that hard-knock life. I see that beautiful woman who doesn’t deserve a battering husband. I also see that person who has given up on hope. If we look deep inside of us, we will find that we all have a poodle inside of us, running around wild waiting to be rescued. When we are faced with difficulties and harsh environments, we fail to walk with our heads up high. The poodle didn’t care that she was in the unkempt alleys of Harambee estate … Just like an unattended flower, she still blossomed. And just like the poodle, we all should too

7 Reasons to love your JOB like your man

1. The Search

Looking for a good man is just like searching for a good job. It has to satisfy you, keep you busy, provide for you and make you happy. Fundamentally if you leave either of the two, a good experience should be the ultimate by-product. It starts with the chase towards that interview which is just like going on a first date with a suitor. After applying for that job, and implying that you want John, you hope to have a chance for a sit down to expound on why you are best suited for the job. You wait on that email or phone call. You are nervous and anticipating. You even have a tentative outfit to wear for that meeting, and date. When you actually get that phone call to confirm on the interview, just like when he calls, you get butterflies. You don’t want to miss on that opportunity so they ask, “Is 3 P.M good for you?”You are supposed to pick up your niece from school or maybe you have that salon appointment but no, you make it sound like it’s cool, and that you haven’t been waiting for this phone call the most in the recent past. “That’s perfect timing, I will be there”, you confirm.

2. The Date is set

Just like before setting out on a date, you first have to get the right outfit to wear to the interview. You don’t want to look too flashy, too casual or too uptight. You want to mix it all up and leave the employer just like your suitor, wishing to see a tad more of where that came from. You look good, now you have to smell good. One of the longest moments in life thus causing perspiration is waiting to be called next into the interviewing room, same way waiting on that guy to show up. FYI, a man who is going to keep you waiting should be deducted at least some 10 points with immediate effect. Always carry your deo, body splash or perfume in your bag. No man will settle for a woman who smells like boiled ‘murenda’. Same way no employer will let a person with such an odor sit in their office, let alone at a desk near theirs.

You are now at the interview; it feels just like being on a date. Your first hope is to impress. Second hope is that you become the chosen one. You don’t want to go through a dozen job applications and interviews to get the right one, you just hope to be lucky to get that one job. Same way, you don’t want to spend a lifetime going on dates with frogs hoping to stumble on a prince; you just want to get that prince, even if it means settling down with the frog.

3. The interview

You have cleaned up nicely. It’s time to speak. You better have brushed your teeth. Bad breath sucks for any conversation, even worse when you might get kissed. Just like a date, at the interview; you find that measuring what comes out of your mouth is paramount. If you ever suffered from verbal diarrhea, this is the worst place to lose control over your bowels, so to say. At both scenarios; you don’t need to say something that won’t necessarily augment on your resume. In other words, don’t volunteer to give irrelevant information. Your employer will care that you are quite the ‘sporty type’ only if you are being interviewed to be a tour guide. On the other hand, if your date is a bouncer or the dude from the movie 127 Hours, then he will care that you rock sports. The vibes about having gone topless at the Maasai Mara, then the one about sleeping in Naivasha’s Hell Gate’s gorge, keep them to yourself. One day when you are best buddies with your boss and you are having drinks, you will unleash them then. As for your date, if you clinch on that lay, these will serve as interesting topics for pillow talk.

4. Grace period

After the date, and the interview; it’s the long await. Is the employer going to call? Is the suitor going to call? Sleepless nights and countless days, a bundle of nerves later and you are still staring at your phone. You finally get that call. “We would love to have you work with us!” He called and said that he really enjoyed the time he spent with you and would definitely love to see you again. Anyone know what time it is? *Swizz Beatz voice* It’s exactly Kemboi-dance o’clock

5. Months into the new Job / Relationship

You are getting used to the new environment. Same way, you are getting accustomed to having your man around. You are getting trained on how things are done at the new office, you have a new routine, probably a whole new set of duties. Same with your man, he is not like the rest. I mean, that’s why you settled in with him. There is a way he likes his things done, and to be done; to say the least. You get with the program.

6. Blending into the new Job/ Relationship

The ‘new office’ is now just your office. When you envy other offices or look for other jobs, they are like potential mistresses. You get that strong feeling that you are cheating. You have settled down with your prince. Sex is good, communication is even better. Talk is cheap so most times you are both busy doing stuff for each other. Your eye however can’t stop from appreciating other fly brothers. They want to flirt with you, sometimes you want to do the same, actually you do it once in a while; no sooner do you indulge than you get that guilty feeling that you are cheating.

7. Job/ Relationship satisfaction

Sometimes it’s not just working for you at the office, so you keep your ears on the ground and eyes high up like a hawk hoping to see a new venture. Other times everything is cool you just feel like you wouldn’t mind an additional freelance gig, so you go ahead and indulge in the side hustles. Same way, your relationship is on a plateau.  Your man’s loving is consistent and you need a rocky motion, so you lose concentration. All of a sudden all the men around your life look like Biko Adema and Michael Early. Your man isn’t satisfying you like he used to. If he is, sometimes you just want to taste other waters to gauge if they are as fresh. So you either take a chill pill or take on into that affair.

Summary.

Love your job like your man for they are painstakingly similar from Day 1. If by any chance you pass the 7 steps; do not cheat for it takes a lot of calculation. If you intend to grow old with that fly brother or frog (If that’s all you found), advance your relationship so one day it becomes a lifelong commitment. If you intend to grow into your job, aim for the stars as the sky might fall.

MEN on ‘MKZ’ language need simple schooling

Kenyan Facebook was über cool till one day decentralization took place. The cool kids moved onto twitter and the un-cool ones subsequently took over Facebook. It’s alright for people to move on, I mean MySpace is so 5 years ago, same with wearing the made in China high waist-cotton-trousers. However it wasn’t graceful for the kids who took over FB to turn an urban fable into a shagzmodoz phenomenon, hence it’s new pet name, Mukuru kwa Zuckerberg (MKZ). The new personality came with a lot of changes but the most outstanding had to be the MKZ Language.

It’s a breath of fresh air having to give that fly ass brother your number. You are waiting for that call. At least on that text message. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Then, it finally comes, the text! “Hae supuu, itwas gewd 2c u, xaxa wen kan we mit agen? Is lyk u fell 4fm heven.” Now these are the kind of things that render instant headaches! It beats me how such a fly, big, all strong and handsome man can write like that. I mean, if you can’t write to save your life, how can I trust you to save mine? This is my story set about a year ago. I don’t usually pursue on conversations that began on the MKZ Language platform but because this ‘strong tall, dark & handsome man’ was the brother to a friend (who FYI could text in correct English- ama baba alitembea?) I hoped that something would change overnight. Nothing did. After about 96 hours of gruesome texting, I was caught between having to ask him just why he wrote like that and most importantly who taught him to write like that because it had turned me off long before! However, I didn’t have to as our vibes just cooled down easily like the heat on ash after a fire.

His brother, my friend, then told me he said I was too much of a ‘Barbie’ for him, the English and all. Guys, If you are going to stop chasing after a girl because she writes grammatically correct, then you are a certified loser!

Looking for a man who can write is rather petty because you essentially want a man who can provide love, support, advice, care and respect et al but stop right there, MKZ Language enters the dating game as well as the professional world. I have seen a couple of emails in it. I was once going to some dude’s office to pick some tapes and he sent me a text saying ‘Get me a pack of DVDs at D Stalls’. I spent approximately 20 minutes looking for the shop called D stalls. Nobody seemed to know where that shop was located. On calling the dude, he said, “No, I meant THE stalls, any stalls around the office”. So I went on to ask him why he couldn’t have text with ‘THE’ stalls and he said, “Because these days people text how they speak.” Dude please, who says D stalls? Maybe Vybz Cartel, if you ask me.

Nway what good is a man who will embarrass me if he has to write a joint letter/email or just documents on our behalf? Worse still, having to re-read your texts three times to comprehend the message kills the gist of the intended excitement by the sender, so no need. I will not even go into reading Facebook and Twitter messages in the MKZ Language, I just ignore. Well, I have concluded that a man on MKZ Language needs simple schooling. I have only three steps:

1. Do not write the likes of xaxa, hae or bae to mean sasa, hi or bye.

Only imbeciles mean to use short form but in the end use a wrong form of the same number of words. Why are you saving on words anyway? You need to subscribe to the Safaricom unlimited text messages, it’s only 10 bob a day. Texting via Airtel is a bob. There is whatsapp and BBM services so what is your problem? Well twitter 140 characters is a problem, this calls for genius. Or just what are you up to?

2. Why divide your attention?

Colour is a good thing. It can also be a confusing thing when you try to add it the wrong way. When you add the MKZ Language into your general communication, do not expect to be taken seriously in a professional save social platform. Having to think of writing gewd, instead of good obviously had to take away your attention. What you fail to realize is that when the recipient opens that text message, their attention is divided as well. Instead of the text being the messenger, it becomes the subject.  You are however allowed to use other unorthodox languages only if you are the inventor, for who knows? You might be granted some bonus points for creativity!

3. Base your communication on the basic need.

It’s the FB era. What your friend writes is deemed as cool. You don’t want to be left behind as the fashion train takes off. However, if you care jack about communication look at the BASIC need. Otherwise, many probably want to show off those annoying short hand words, for whatever reason i will never know. But if you want to just say goodnight, write it like that. What is gwednit or gu9t?

I think it’s perfectly alright to exploit short hand through the use of certain abbreviations like FYI, SMH, LQTM, LOL ETC. My four-year old nephew just learnt how to write. Sweet litu-man, I am yet to receive his letters … Hope they are good. So guys, just so you know; a real woman wants a real man but he first has to learn how to write grammatically correct i.e. if he hasn’t already

A woman’s prayer …

She wants a strong man, but more importantly she needs one who will be hands-on while building a home. She doesn’t want to be alone in the house so she prays for a companion. In accord he should feel blessed under the union, and not oppressed by anything. He shouldn’t live by any code other than marriage.  A woman wants a man who will encourage her when she is down. When she is depressed, he will pick her up, lift her spirits up because he knows that she is an empress. It’s true that sometimes she is a mess, but she still prays for a good man.

She wants a friend, but more importantly she needs one who will lend her some empathy. She will be looking for a listening heart when she is hurt. She wants a friend whose dreams keep dancing close to hers. A friendship that is guided by the deep enhancing light of telepathy. A path into the sixth-sense, one that is blind to all humanity other than two acquaintances. A woman wants a friend who will help her pick up pieces of life, and bind them to complete the jigsaw despite the strife. It’s true that she hides a lot of things, but she still prays for a good friend.

She wants a child, but more importantly she needs one who doesn’t lie. She is hoping to have an honest child, in addition one who is respectful. One who will cherish the nest under which a family’s tradition is built.  A woman wishes for a beautiful child who will grow into a responsible and dutiful adult. One who will make their dreams possible through the hustle and flow of life. When she is old, low and stressed by the bustle of the city, the child will be her support system. She might seem uninterested but she prays. A woman is a stem off that branch of life, so how can she not pray for a child?

She wants salvation, not from the funny armies. She needs God. Like a nation, she needs His blessings and direction. She is looking for a relationship with the Almighty. She pleads for one that will leave her in reparation for any sin committed. She doesn’t want to be omitted when the heaven’s doors finally open. So she lets God do the tally, but in the mean time she intends to live a daily Christian life. The wrath of a woman has made her hate, even slide from her faith but that only means that she is human. She still prays for forgiveness.

She wants to protect Mother Earth, but more importantly she needs to connect with her. She feels the wind on her skin; this leads her to speak to the desert. It says that the world is an art that only she can understand, because she brings life into the standstill. She prays for a safer world, one that is guided by peace and equality, one that is led by wise men of tranquility and no discrimination. A woman prays for a world free of criminals but liberals. She is just a citizen with no power, but she still prays for a nation that will empower all mankind.

Dear Fear,

Hey. Hello fear. Sometimes you are so near it freaks me out. At night when I pray you disappear but then when I don’t you reappear. You grip my heart, you strip me of my art, you rip me apart but I am still intact, just so you know. When I am low, you attack. When I am alone you distract me but by the larger part I am still me. Always will be, so leave.

Hello fear. You make me suppress my gifts. It’s like it surprises you that I am an empress. If I don’t express my needs then how will I get ahead of the rest? If I fail to pass your test, then you win. If I don’t chase you away from my nest, who will? If I say that I wasn’t afraid then I would be lying. The same way I can’t keep hiding from you, while dying inside. You no longer reside in me, so leave.

Hello fear. Let go of me so I can live in peace. But it’s not that easy, is it? If I believe in me then why do you still persist? If I resist to confront you now, then maybe you will keep insisting. You can’t be in front of me, so get back. Like a dog you keep barking at me, while I am the log which keeps lacking the strength to combat you. I now fight you, so leave.

Hello fear. You try to cripple me by causing ripples in my life. When I lost in the battle of love, it made me stronger. I moved onwards then I heard your rattle in the face of losing my job. I panicked but I surfaced with a lot, experience. Your appearance persisted as my friend jumped the hurdle unto heaven. I lost my mind but eleven months later, everything combined I found peace, so leave.

Hello fear. You are forceful but there is a stronger being, God. It’s all cool because I live through Him. You must have no clue that He protects me. That He is the connector to all things. That He is the forgiver to all the sins. That He Is the giver of life. You can’t see through this because you are blind, just leave my life’s stride. It might be a long and weary ride, but it’s one I am willing to take on, without you.

Hello fear, goodbye.