MEN on MKZ Language Need Simple Schooling

Kenyan Facebook was über cool till one day decentralization took place. The cool kids moved onto twitter and the un-cool ones subsequently took over Facebook. It’s alright for people to move on, I mean MySpace is so 5 years ago, same with wearing the made in China high waist-cotton-trousers. However it wasn’t graceful for the kids who took over FB to turn an urban fable into a shagzmodoz phenomenon, hence it’s new pet name, Mukuru kwa Zuckerberg (MKZ). The new personality came with a lot of changes but the most outstanding had to be the MKZ Language.

It’s a breath of fresh air having to give that fly ass brother your number. You are waiting for that call. At least on that text message. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Then, it finally comes, the text! “Hae supuu, itwas gewd 2c u, xaxa wen kan we mit agen? Is lyk u fell 4fm heven.” Now these are the kind of things that render instant headaches! It beats me how such a fly, big, all strong and handsome man can write like that. I mean, if you can’t write to save your life, how can I trust you to save mine? This is my story set about a year ago. I don’t usually pursue on conversations that began on the MKZ Language platform but because this ‘strong tall, dark & handsome man’ was the brother to a friend (who FYI could text in correct English- ama baba alitembea?) I hoped that something would change overnight. Nothing did. After about 96 hours of gruesome texting, I was caught between having to ask him just why he wrote like that and most importantly who taught him to write like that because it had turned me off long before! However, I didn’t have to as our vibes just cooled down easily like the heat on ash after a fire.

His brother, my friend, then told me he said I was too much of a ‘Barbie’ for him, the English and all. Guys, If you are going to stop chasing after a girl because she writes grammatically correct, then you are a certified loser!

Looking for a man who can write is rather petty because you essentially want a man who can provide love, support, advice, care and respect et al but stop right there, MKZ Language enters the dating game as well as the professional world. I have seen a couple of emails in it. I was once going to some dude’s office to pick some tapes and he sent me a text saying ‘Get me a pack of DVDs at D Stalls’. I spent approximately 20 minutes looking for the shop called D stalls. Nobody seemed to know where that shop was located. On calling the dude, he said, “No, I meant THE stalls, any stalls around the office”. So I went on to ask him why he couldn’t have text with ‘THE’ stalls and he said, “Because these days people text how they speak.” Dude please, who says D stalls? Maybe Vybz Cartel, if you ask me.

Nway what good is a man who will embarrass me if he has to write a joint letter/email or just documents on our behalf? Worse still, having to re-read your texts three times to comprehend the message kills the gist of the intended excitement by the sender, so no need. I will not even go into reading Facebook and Twitter messages in the MKZ Language, I just ignore. Well, I have concluded that a man on MKZ Language needs simple schooling. I have only three steps:

1. Do not write the likes of xaxa, hae or bae to mean sasa, hi or bye.

Only imbeciles mean to use short form but in the end use a wrong form of the same number of words. Why are you saving on words anyway? You need to subscribe to the Safaricom unlimited text messages, it’s only 10 bob a day. Texting via Airtel is a bob. There is whatsapp and BBM services so what is your problem? Well twitter 140 characters is a problem, this calls for genius. Or just what are you up to?

2. Why divide your attention?

Colour is a good thing. It can also be a confusing thing when you try to add it the wrong way. When you add the MKZ Language into your general communication, do not expect to be taken seriously in a professional save social platform. Having to think of writing gewd, instead of good obviously had to take away your attention. What you fail to realize is that when the recipient opens that text message, their attention is divided as well. Instead of the text being the messenger, it becomes the subject.  You are however allowed to use other unorthodox languages only if you are the inventor, for who knows? You might be granted some bonus points for creativity!

3. Base your communication on the basic need.

It’s the FB era. What your friend writes is deemed as cool. You don’t want to be left behind as the fashion train takes off. However, if you care jack about communication look at the BASIC need. Otherwise, many probably want to show off those annoying short hand words, for whatever reason i will never know. But if you want to just say goodnight, write it like that. What is gwednit or gu9t?

I think it’s perfectly alright to exploit short hand through the use of certain abbreviations like FYI, SMH, LQTM, LOL ETC. My four-year old nephew just learnt how to write. Sweet litu-man, I am yet to receive his letters … Hope they are good. So guys, just so you know; a real woman wants a real man but he first has to learn how to write grammatically correct i.e. if he hasn’t already 🙂


  1. p.m.n. · November 21, 2011

    I wholly associate myself with the sentiments expressed here. Especially when these young ones write in weird language using the same number characters? SMH!
    Everyone who was old enough to own a mobile phone when they were still new and safaricom sim cards retailed for Kshs.2,500 each, knows that text short form was meant to reduce the number of characters now how does xaxa help anything?!

    That said i think every generation needs its own ‘fads’ if you will, the greatest failure in these new xaxa guys is they can’t alter their language to suit its recipient. I can’t picture ‘texting’ my dad. And if i did I’d definitely not SMH or FYI him. He just wouldn’t get it, and if he did, it would still be unfair to have subjected to him to the 15 minutes of complicated code breaking analysis I’m sure it will take him to figure it out.

    All in all, nice read as always.

  2. Allegra · November 21, 2011

    I agree with this totally and completely!! I would also look for a stall called D stalls

  3. Nitapaa · November 21, 2011

    Ahem! I know I’ve lost interests in some good men just because they sent me a text saying xaxa, such poor writing makes me think of someone as a poor listener too

  4. Afrotitanium · November 21, 2011

    Hahaaa! This has made my morning!

    The social/ dating scene is a mine-field! I’m talking “Al-qaeda meets al-shabaab” hostile; so it warms the cockles of my heart to learn that natural selection is working hard to eliminate the less adapted species from the game 🙂

    The MKZ man is a horrible mutation and freak of nature that should be hunted down, gutted and nailed to a post for all to see! (or simply ignored, in case you have a queasy stomach and care little for disemboweling people).

    Overall an entertaining and spot-on piece!

    (Sorry to grammar Nazi you, but it’s “loser”. Ok, bye.)

  5. Miss Roses · November 21, 2011

    Glad i see most of you are in agreement, also thanks for the read …

  6. eveserro · November 21, 2011

    THANK YOU!!!!!! I agree with you totally! the xaxa and gewd vibe is the MOST ANNOYING thing ever…i receieve a text in that MKZ Language…i automatically delete it because I have no business wating time to figure out what they are trying to say…if you can write gewd why not good? what short form is that?

  7. boboshantism · November 21, 2011

    spot on….a ‘lady’ on MKZ stopped talking to me via sms..ati i was using too much dictionary English<< i mean,who says this….

    • Miss Roses · November 24, 2011

      My story right there. Lady on MKZ sounds funny haha.

  8. bellasbiz · November 21, 2011

    Spot on! I hate that shit! How do you make me work so hard to try & make sense of what you’re saying? SMH

  9. The Greatrnk · November 21, 2011

    I get sick when I get a text with those stupid x’s or having to decipher where and which vowels are supposed to be placed where in words. I blogged about it somewhere. For me, if a text is going to include those idiotic words, it is better not sent at all. I am happy there are still great people who share the same sentiments.

  10. Evelyne Ogutu · November 21, 2011

    True chief. I am afraid, the same idiotic English might find itself in kids composition. As a parent, i detest it. Let’s unite to kill this way of communicating which I think is only meant for Imbeciles.

  11. rasmengesha · November 21, 2011

    ha ha. I’m tempted to comment in MKZ lingo, but i don’t even know how to start. I feel your pain…hehe

  12. Miss Roses · November 21, 2011

    Thank you all for the read and comments. Some are just hilarious. MKZ Language should go to the dogs already.

  13. Crazy Nairobian · November 22, 2011

    Well written piece. Great read.

  14. Litali · November 22, 2011

    -ama baba alitembea? Hahaha ;-D /dead\
    D stalls…. Rib cracking..;-D

    Then there’s also this common 1, ‘dei’ to mean day…
    *sigh* ati nyc dei my dia… SMH!

  15. Miss Roses · November 23, 2011

    Nyc Dei? NOOOOO!

  16. Meech · November 23, 2011

    i find that the female gender is the most notorious for the hae bae and xaxa i dont even understand the texts i get from them anymore

  17. theobserver · November 23, 2011

    i totally concur but it’s Not only men who write that but most women nowadays subscribe to such.

  18. Miss Roses · November 23, 2011

    Nowhere did i cite that only men write like this, i only gave my examples from men i have encountered. Male, female, we are all prone to it.

  19. boobykizzy · November 25, 2011

    This is what i call real talk right there 🙂

  20. Rainmaker · December 12, 2011

    Good read! I think mature men dont do that, if they do, shame on them!

  21. K.E.V · July 17, 2012

    Thank you very much for bringing up this MKZ language
    My current girlfriend is pissed up with me because I said her way of texting to be childish
    We’ve been dating for 7months and am sick and tired of her texn using such words like xaxa,keshow,gewd,da, seriously besides she says that am looking down at her coz of the word childish
    Yesterday she told me that she thinks she has lost me for good I did appologise to her for what I did but still she’s angry

    Truly she’s so childish

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